Gordon's sensitive, annual holiday greeting...

Dear Festive Friend,

At this most joyous time of year, when candles glow softly behind frosted window panes and a warm feeling for... most of humanity fills our hearts.

• When holiday music plays—incessantly—in every store and elevator,

• When anxious investors scramble for year-end tax write-offs.

• When NORAD scrambles to intercept an unidentified, fast-moving sleigh (where were these guys on 9-11?).

It's time once again to extend my heartfelt seasonal wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, culturally tolerant, financially stimulating, nutritionally supportive, gender neutral, medically uncomplicated, politically correct and personally fulfilling winter solstice holiday—as practiced within the guidelines of the religious persuasion of your choice (yet with respect for the rather curious religious persuasions of others), and without regard for the race, creed, age, height, gender(s), tax bracket or sexual preference of the wishee.

May the corpulent, pagan elf in the red, fur-trimmed tutu bring you and yours all the material excesses of a strong, retail-driven fourth quarter.

Happy Holidaze!,

Gordon

* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one solar rotation, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and may not be enforceable in all jurisdictions. Your experience may vary. Batteries not included.