Notes From Gordon 250118: Should I Kill Myself, Or Just Go Bowling?

ATTENTION SPAN NOTICE
Reading time: 879 words @ 238 wpm = 4 minutes, 9 seconds

TONE: oddly culturally satisfying

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Should I Kill Myself, Or Just Go Bowling?

The following are my favorite bumpers stickers, many of which I created myself. Enjoy!

Redneck

MY WIFE RAN OFF WITH MY BEST FRIEND
And I Sure Do Miss Him

SHE GOT THE RING
I Got The Finger

THANK GOD AND GREYHOUND
She’s Gone

IF YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT ME
Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?

YOU'RE THE REASON
Our Kids Are So Ugly

IF YOU WON’T LEAVE ME
I’ll Find Somebody Who Will

I'M SO MISERABLE WITHOUT YOU
It's Like You Was Still Here

I CHANGED HER OIL
She Changed My Life

HOW CAN I MISS YOU
If You Won't Go Away?

I'M JUST A BUG
On The Windshield Of Life

SHE'S SLEEPIN' SINGLE
I'm Drinkin' Doubles

DROP KICK ME JESUS
Through The Goal Post of Life

I STILL MISS YOU, BABY
But My Aim's Gettin' Better

IF THE PHONE DON'T RING
You'll Know It's Me

COVID

YOUR MASK IS PROOF
You’ll Do Anything They Say

SUPPORT LOCKDOWN
Stay In Your Room. Forever.

SOCIAL DISTANCING
The New Birth Control

I GOT THE VACCINE
What Immune System?

BAN MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS
Stop Vaccinating Your Kids

Free Speech

THE FIRST AMENDMENT
Offending Leftists Since 1792

FREEDOM OF SPEECH
Your Right Not To Listen

Women

I'M ALL OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I Have A Gun

DO NOT START WITH ME
You Will Not Win

SO MANY MEN
So Few Who Can Afford Me

GOD MADE US SISTERS
Prozac Made Us Friends

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN
Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Guns

THE SECOND AMENDMENT
Shoulda' Been The First

PROTECT A LIBERAL
Always Carry Loaded

SUPPORT GUN CONTROL
Handle Your Weapon Carefully

WHEN SECONDS COUNT
The Cops Are Just Minutes Away

MY NEIGHBORS ARE UNARMED
Please Do Not Harm Or Rob Them

Government

YOU'RE NOT A SOCIALIST
You Just Love Free Money

OBEY GOVERNMENT!
That's A Good Little Taxpayer

A POLITICIAN IS TO HONESTY
As a Hooker Is To Romance

DEMICANS AND REPUBLICRATS
Fooled You Again, Didn't They?

GOD IS WATCHING
Sorry, That's The NSA

LIMITED GOVERNMENT
At Least We Tried

THE CONSTITUTION
You Can Read It In 20 Minutes

GOVERNMENT
Selling War Since 2,500 BC

HONEST GOVERNMENT
Where Oxy Meets Moron

GOVERNMENT
Taxing In Over 200 Nations

AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM
Rome Was Exceptional Too

SUPPORT SOCIAL SECURITY
You May Get Your Money Back

INCOME TAX
The Price You Pay For Poverty

Pubic School

ASSESSMENT TESTING
State Inspection For Future Workers

YOUR HONOR STUDENT
Learned History From His Gym Teacher

PUBLIC SCHOOL
Where Minds Come To Die

PUBLIC SCHOOL GRADUATE
I Learned Just Enough To Obey

Homeschool

HOME SCHOOL GRADUATE
I Learned Calculus In My Pajamas

HOME SCHOOL YOUR KIDS
You Couldn't Do Any Worse

HOME SCHOOL TRAGEDY
I Forgot To Socialize The Kids!

Voting

DEMOCRATS: VOTE OFTEN
Three Times If You're Dead

NO MATTER WHO YOU VOTE FOR
The Government Always Gets In

VOTE FOR NO ONE
It Only Feels Kinky The First Time

ELECT A BILLIONAIRE
Get What You Paid For

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS
Pacifying Taxpayers Since 1792

IF VOTING MADE A DIFFERENCE
They Wouldn't Let You Do It

ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION
When Real Men Fail To Stand Up

Taxes

PAY YOUR PROPERTY TAX
Because Feudalism Never Ended

DONATE MORE TAXES
Uncle Sam Needs The Blood

WORK—PAY TAXES—DIE
Civilization Will Thank You

FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
Your Tax Bracket May Vary

Freedom

DO NOT QUESTION AUTHORITY
And Authority Won't Question You

AMERICA
It Was A Great Run

TSA: IT'S NOT A GROPE
It's Just a Freedom Pat

THE SILENT MAJORITY
Tolerating Oppression Since 1913

THE FOURTH OF JULY
Happy Co-Dependence Day!

DEMONSTRATE FREEDOM
Rattle Your Chains!

LIBERTY! JUSTICE!
But First, Entertainment!

FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
It Costs A Lot To Be A Slave

ORWELL WAS RIGHT
The Memory Hole Is Real

Television

WATCH TELEVISION
Resume Your Programming

TELEVISION
Making America Stupid Since 1951

Politics

I PAID FOR A HOOKER
I Got A Politician

POLITICIANS FOR SALE
Get Yours While Offer Lasts!

GOD SENT POLITICIANS
When He Ran Out Of Locusts

CAUTION: ANGRY LIBERAL
Passing On The Right Triggers Me

I USED TO BE A LIBERAL
Then I Read The Constitution

CONFEDERATE GRADUATE
Voted Most Likely To Secede

LABOR DAY
Remembering Karl Marx

SEPTEMBER 11, 2001
America's Controlled Demolition

PEARL HARBOR
Was An Inside Job

ELIMINATE POLITICIANS
And Don't Forget To Wipe

Miscellaneous

SUPPORT THE WAR ON DRUGS
Get Off Your Medications

IF GOING TO THE MOON WAS EASY
How Come We Never Went Back?

COLLEGE TUITION
The Price You Pay For A Lousy Job

SUPPORT MINIMUM WAGE
Exert Minimum Effort

ONCE I WAS WOKE
Then I Woke Up

YES, I TALK TO MYSELF
When I Need Expert Advice

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT MY AGE
I've Never Been This Old Before

MY WIFE SAYS I HAVE TWO FAULTS
I Don't Listen And Something Else

I READ BOOKS
And I Know Things

I LOVE PEOPLE
It's Humanity I Can't Stand

I'M TRANS-SLENDER
I'm Fat But I Identify As Skinny

THE SOUTH WAS RIGHT
Please Inform The LEFT

AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE
Means 50% Fall Below

NEVER OUTRUN A COP
Use a Corvette Instead