Notes From Gordon 250127: Report to The High Council on Intergalactic Population Control (Part II)

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Reading time: 547 words @ 238 wpm = 2 minutes, 18 seconds

TONE: disturbing, if existentially satisfying

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Questions & Answers For The High Council On Intergalactic Population Control

Q: Who, exactly, are the Normals?
A: The Normals are the public, the mob, the lumpen, the masses of humanity. Normals fall within one standard deviation from top dead center of the cultural Bell Curve where everything is average to mediocre, or slightly worse. Normals tend to dream of bigger paychecks, bigger houses, bigger male reproductive organs and larger female mammalian feeding protuberances.

Q: What is the mean distribution of humans?
A: Humans come in two basic varieties. The minority, perhaps 5%, see reality for what it is, at least to the extent that their current technology allows. However, the remaining 95% do not, which explains why every Earth republic has eventually deteriorated into a democracy prior to total collapse.

Q: How can you spot a Normal?
A: If you see a human walking around with a copy of USA Today, a lottery ticket, or a smart phone that they continue to stare at like an extra in Night Of the Living Dead, chances are pretty good that they're a Normal.

Q: What do Normals believe?
A: A Normal will believe just about anything if told to them by a serious announcer dressed in nice business clothing and spoken with a deep, authoritative voice. Impressive introductory music helps too. The more something is repeated, the more a Normal will believe it.

Q: Where do Normals come from?
A: Normals tend to be born to parents who themselves are Normals. As children they spend 12 solar rotations in government indoctrination centers where approved information is fed to them by workers called “teachers” who themselves are mostly Normals. Those who graduate from “high school” may receive so-called "higher education" at for-profit diploma mills where the professors are mostly Normals with slightly higher IQs.

Q: What do Normals do in their spare time?
A: Watch television. Eat and drink. Buy lottery tickets. Vote. Play video games. Have sex. Watch more television. Have more sex. That sort of thing.

Q: How do Normals manage illness?
A: A Normal will take any pill that their doctor prescribes because they think that doctors know how to cure people. A 500-pound Normal with allergies, angina, anxiety, asthma, back pain, bronchitis, chlamydia, constipation, depression, diabetes, fibromyalgia, hemorrhoids, high cholesterol, hypertension, indigestion, inflammation, insomnia, osteoporosis and psoriasis will require at least 20 pills right there.

Q: What risks do Normals pose to humanity?
A: Because Normals never quite figure out what's going on yet constitute the bulk of humankind, one can reasonably posit that the very existence of the Normal is the cause of the recurring downfall of civilization.

Q: What should you do when encountering a Normal?
A: Try to act like a Normal yourself. Use short sentences and repeat whatever you hear other Normals saying. Talk about sports, TV shows, fashion, celebrity gossip, diet plans and vacation destinations. Complain about taxes, the weather and politicians. For reference, see the tabloids at the end of supermarket checkout aisles. If all else fails, take two Valiums, a shot of Vodka and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives.