Notes From Gordon 250131: Christmas Party Gone Bad

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Company Christmas Party

I thought I’d lighten things up a little today.

The following is from The Official Redneck Joke Book by author and good friend, Cooter McButt (we were separated at birth).

Y’all are welcome to download the PDF HERE.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2024
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.

Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees and our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2024
RE: Gala Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2024
RE: Gala Christmas Party

How could I have overlooked this? There will naturally be no Christmas tree, no nativity scenes, no crosses or pictures of Jesus, baby or adult, and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? I hope you have a nice holiday, Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2024
RE: Gala Christmas Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name... I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 5, 2024
RE: Gala Christmas Party

Sorry, but forget about the gift exchange. No gifts are allowed since our Jewish employees feel that $10.00 is too much money, and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS WILL BE EXCHANGED AT THE LUNCHEON Those who wish to exchange gifts can do so in the parking lot, either before or after the party, and please stay out of sight of the other employees. Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 6, 2024
RE: Gala Christmas Party

Goodness, what a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Also, do we provide prayer rugs or will you bring your own? Yours in festive diversity, Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 7, 2024
RE: Gala Christmas Party

Heavens, I forgot to ask our Muslim employees, will the rest of our employees need to leave the room while you pray, or do you need a separate function room for that? This job certainly has its challenges, but I know you will all work with me here during this loving, caring time of the year. Yours in peace and harmony, Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 8, 2024
RE: Gala Christmas Party

Dear Employees of Color, Of course, you can have your own dining room complete with Kwanza tree, ribs, a Motown Goes Christmas Karaoke sound system and a memorial picture of Martin Luther King, Jr. I am not sure exactly what color you have to be to qualify, but I'm sure you will all know! Please forgive this insensitive omission. We want all of our employees to be happy, including those of color and those with no color at all. Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 9, 2024
RE: Gala Christmas Party

Thanks for reaching out, you members of Weight Watchers. I've arranged for you to sit across the hall, farthest away from the dessert buffet, in the Muslim prayer room when our Muslim employees aren't praying. I'm not quite sure of their schedule yet but will be sure to keep you posted. And yes, for those of you who asked, low-fat food will be available for those on a diet and there will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics. However, the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! I also regret to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. Did I miss anything?!?!?

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 10, 2024
RE: Gala Christmas Party

How could I forget? Absolutely there will be booster seats for short people. We wouldn't dream of discriminating against you. We wish we could accommodate our especially tall employees but there's really nothing we can do. Yes, gay employees will be allowed to sit with each other, and lesbians will not have to sit with men of any description -- gay or otherwise. Each group will have their own table. Yes, a very large flower arrangement will be provided for the Gay men's table and the napkin color will be coordinated. Certainly, our pregnant employees can have the table closest to the Ladies Room. Why not? And 'hetero' husbands bonding in celebration with their wives will have their own table, as will lesbians bonding in celebration with their pregnant partners, whether inseminated naturally or artificially. Is there anyone else out there? Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 11, 2024
RE: Gala Christmas Party

That's it. I f*%^ing quit. I've f*%^ing had it with you simpering, Jesus-hating, faggoty freaks and a**holes. We're going to keep this f*%^ing CHRISTMAS PARTY at the goddamned Grill House whether you f*%^ing like it or not. As for you vegetarian pricks, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death" -- as you so quaintly put it -- and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including vine grown, GMO-free, organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. Did you know that? I'm hearing them scream RIGHT NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! JESUS SAVES! Drive drunk and die, Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 12, 2024
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Home. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our fun Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Whatever!, Joan