Notes From Gordon 250329: The Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut, Part I

Hello, Fallen Friend…

Welcome to the world's one-and-only, universal, all-loving, hell and torture-free, user friendly, gender neutral, all-species inclusive, non-discriminatory and most important of all, tasty religion.

Worship With Us
For we are a place of refuge for the righteous and the sinful alike; for the worthy and the unworthy (who, frankly, are a lot more fun to drink with); for the cheapskate tither and the big-spending donor (award plaque and ceremonial dinner not included).

Total Screw Ups Welcome
Unlike some of those giant, money-sucking religions we won't mention... you know, the ones that make you feel all guilty and undeserving just for being alive?… no matter how screwed up you may be right now, The Hole-y D(o)nut loves you and has already made a place for you in the Later Life.

See, we don't call it the “afterlife” since that kinda’ sounds, you know, like you're pretty much dead already? As a Donutarian you never die, you just keep on rollin' through all of eternity!

The Ideal Religion (Which Means Yours Is?…)
Where those other religions offer you the potential for salvation fvs. eternal torture—Donutarianism offers you a slam-dunk guarantee of eternal bliss!

Simply stare at your navel and love His Hole-yness with all your heart and soul (401k optional) and you will automatically be cleansed, purified, sanctified, redeemed, saved, reborn all over again, rendered smarter and sexier, plus whatever else you require from the Universe... or your sins cheerfully refunded!

Isn’t that awesome? And remember, unlike those lesser Bronze Age gods who take Sundays off, His Hole-yness is always watching over you, even in the shower… for total cleansing!

Dig A Little Deeper
For verily as we read in Donations at verse $:100,000, “His Hole-yness loveth a cheerful giver.” Good news! The more dough you dough-nate, the more love you get (we got that idea from Congress).

Turning to the book of Litigation at verse 9:11 we grab our wallet and read that a politician could as easily pass through the eye of a needle as a rich man entereth the kingdom of Heaven… whatever that means.

To relieve you of this “original guilt,” we invite you to bequeath your entire estate. Attorneys are standing by to assist (we rescued a few from Hell).

Besides, why should those big IRS-approved churches get all the money? Our salvation is as good as the next goy's, er, guy's.

Back again tomorrow with more from Doc Godley…

GP

Scripture Sampler

Rotations (0:00)/0
"As it was in the end, so shall it be at the beginning."

Rotations 3.1415
"What goes around, comes around… when you least expect it."

The Book of Horticulture
"For He created woman, and woman asked for man to fulfill her every need. So He created the lawn mower."