Notes From Gordon 250330: The Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut, Part II

Roll With Us
The time has come—dear brothers, sisters and variously engendered others—to shed those chains of fear, religious intolerance and forced participation in clothing and newspaper drives.

Dump your old beliefs and join us as a worshipful Donutarian to enjoy 24/7 access to a wide and splendid range of liturgical and clerical services, including:

Indulgences & Absolutions
Buy your way out of Hell for less than the cost of a night on the town... or a weekend in Vegas, depending on the severity of your sins. Guaranteed to provide a blissful, eternal and worry-free afterlife. Limit one per full moon. Virgins not included.

Custom Stigmata
Join the tattoo craze and defile your body with your choice of custom stigmata representing the most sacred icons of your old religion: a weeping virgin, a snake in the garden, a thunderbolt, a cross or menorah, the Dobbs head, meatballs and spaghetti for you Pastafarians. Whatever turns you on!

Instant Religion Conversion Kit
Say you're a nice, midwestern Methodist boy and somehow (and this would be a miracle!) you've landed a date tonight with a hot Jewish chick.

What do you know about Judaism? That's right, about as much as a Catholic priest knows about the missionary position.

So purchase and download our Instant Judaism Conversion Kit containing a yarmulke, a PDF of Shakespeare’s “The Merchant Of Venice” and a portrait of Jesus with his face blurred out (the Mel Gibson option).

And faster than you can say, "Chosen", you're an instant Jew! Careful… conversion only lasts for four hours and you don't want to get caught reading Leviticus back at her place at 2:00AM!

Religious Timeshare
For those who would like to try a little more immersion in your next alternative religion.

Say you're a Buddhist and you'd like to try some Catholicism. You sign up for our seven-day Vatican Time Share and get to experience all there is to being a Catholic for one full week... genuflecting, dipping into the holy water, dipping into the altar boys (sorry), enjoying those little biscuits and communion wine, telling your dirty secrets to a priest in confession, and lots more exciting stuff!

At the end of the week—POOF!—you're back in San Francisco... er, that is, Buddhism.

Religious Refugees
Visitors from other religions (we like to think of them as spiritual tourists) want to know: Is Donutarianism some sort of slick, sanctimonious satire?

Absolutely not! We wouldn't dream of mocking organized religion. Why ‘pile on’ when the Pope, Tom Cruise and Kenneth Copeland do such a terrific job already?

Here at The Church of The Hole-y D(o)nut we offer religious refugees from all belief systems a safe place to hang your liturgical hats.

Whether the occasional attending Christian (Easter, Christmas, weddings, funerals), the Jew wracked with existential guilt (“Oh, vey!”) or a naked, moon-worshipping Pagan (come join Ginger and me in the Hole-y Hot Tub!)… we welcome you; brothers, sisters and other gendered individuals!

Can You Feel The Love?
Did you know that His Hole-yness has you surrounded? It's true! The continuous passage between your oral cavity and your anus merges with the entire universe means that you are actually a torus. Who knew?

Which means that His Hole-yness is both within you and without you at the same time. Is that exciting or what?! Other religions can't even come close. The best they can offer are crusades, crucifixions and candles.

Salvation This Tasty Isn't Cheap
Sadly, we don't get the big tax write-offs like those Bronze Age monotheistic guys or those new experimental religions with their cans, meters and special clothing.

It's all we can do around here to keep dough and nut together. So please be sure to donate on the way out. Get it? Dough-nate?

Speaking of "on the way out," don't forget to leave us in your will. A nice inheritance can go a long way towards keeping the evangelical skids greased. Plus, we could use a new oil pump for the Donutmobile (we got the idea from Batman) which may be rolling into your community any day now.

And never forget that His Hole-yness already loves you just the way you are... not that you couldn't use a little improving, of course.

Back again tomorrow with more from Doc Olson…

GP