Notes From Gordon 250331: The Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut, Part III

Dr. J. Darwin Godley, PhD, DUI, MIA

"The Man. The Message. The Rolex"

First there was the evangelist. Then came the televangelist. Now we bring you the world's first and only webvangelist.

Yes friends, it's Dr. J. Darwin Godley, the Great Religionator. The man of whom it can truly be said that, without him, there would be no J. Darwin Godley.

For he is the one (Neo, move over) who can bring us all together in peace, harmony and unified donation with wise and immortal sayings like, "What goes around, comes around" and, "Sit on this and rotate!"

Called "J.D." by close friends and "His ahole-yness" by evil-doing nonbelievers, Dr. Godley comes to us today via the world wide web of sinners, helping us to tiptoe across the minefield of available religions without having our beliefs blown to bits.

Some say he can leap tall steeples in a single bound. Or make entire religions disappear with a snarky remark.

Truth be told, Doc is but a humble avatar who walks the Earth in a salesman's shoes. Born in sin (like everyone from north New Jersey), he learned at a young age that there is no mention of dinosaurs in the Bible.

Thus began a lifelong quest to sample humanity’s 10,000 distinct true religions and discover The Hole-y D(o)nut without whom the firmament and, by extension, all life forms everywhere would not exist.

For it is His Hole-yness who thinks the Great Torus that we call the universe into existence and causes it to slowly rotate, leaving astronomers and other mere scientists to peer into the Great Orifice and imagine a black hole from which no light can escape.

But we Donutarians know better. It just appears to be a black hole because He turned the light off. To turn the light back on we must clap three times and believe in Him.

After letting His Hole-yness into his life, Doc rushed to the nearest donut shop to exclaim to the startled staff:

"Let us eat of His body and be lost forever, for I have found Pi in the sky!"

Nobody could make any sense of this, but it sounded spooky enough to qualify as liturgical wisdom and a following quickly developed.

Always a ham at parties (with no disrespect to those who cannot eat pork), Doc’s fame quickly spread when it was discovered that he could walk on beer and feed a large dinner party with a single pizza.

Minima Cum Laude
As a young man Doc pursued his religious studies at Delilah's Late Night College of Inseminary Arts, graduating with a Doctorate of Philandery (PhD), with an exploratory minor in co-ed anatomy—truly a hands-on subject.

The great man left school with high ambitions—to impregnate the minds of men with the seed of Donutarianism and, in this new missionary position, to found The Church of The Hole-y D(o)nut, free humanity from the parlous prison of servile superstition and point the path to profluent prosperity. Or something like that.

As for Doc and Delilah, they remain close to this day. So close, in fact, that you can barely pry them apart.

Back again tomorrow with more from Doc Godley.

GP