Notes From Gordon 250331: The Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut, Part IV

An Evening With Doc Godley

The following radio interview took place on the evening of September 11, 2001 between Dr. J. Darwin Godley and the host of KOOK radio, 91.1 on the FM dial. The interviewer will be identified as "911" and the great man himself as "JDG."

911: Thank your joining us this evening.

JDG: You're welcome. What was the question again?

911: There has been no question so far. May we begin?

JDG: Ah yes, to begin. One must always begin at the beginning. Otherwise everything could be over before you know it. Then where would you be?

911: If I could, please, let me ask how you came to found The Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut?

JDG: Found? You mean how I found it? As in located?

911: No, I mean found, as to form or begin.

JDG: Ah, to begin. One must always begin at the beginning. Shall we begin?

911: Yes I would like very much to do that. How did the church come into being?

JDG: Why, it has always been. His Hole-yness was there at the beginning of time. In fact, there was no time until Him. The passage of time is created by The Hole-y D(o)nut causing all possible existences to rotate like gears meshing together.

911: That's very interesting. Can you tell me more?

JDG: How much more?

911: Please just continue.

JDG: Certainly. Time is an illusion. His Hole-yness plays with time like a cat plays with a mouse. He can roll time backwards like a tape recording, to just before the point where He wants something to be different, then hit Play again. That's why there is no one reality. Each rewind creates a new episode. You can't know whether the conversation we're having right now didn't already occur, then was rewound again, to the exact point where you said hello.

911: Thank your joining us this evening.

JDG: You're welcome. What was the question again?

911: What the heck just happened!? That was amazing.

JDG: I have no idea. I am just a humble avatar. My mission it to bring His Hole-yness to Earth.

911: How is that mission going?

JDG: It's going great. We're getting the world's major scientific institutions and corporations on board. We signed up CERN after they agreed to make their particle accelerator in the shape of a donut. Just recently we signed up Apple Corporation right after they created their new building in His image.

911: Did you have contact with these organizations prior to those projects beginning?

JDG: No, that would be indelicate. It was only after they were complete that His Hole-yness rewound time to discuss collaboration. Or else.

911: Or else what?

JDG: He showed CERN a scenario in which an experiment would go horribly wrong, create a black hole, suck in the Earth and obliterate everything. He showed Apple how they would construct a building in the shape of a banana and be mocked globally, causing iPhone sales to plummet and Steve Jobs to end up as a Walmart greeter.

911: How are the major religions of the world reacting to the arrival of The Holey Donut?

JDG: Not too well. The Catholics are taking it pretty hard. Tithings are falling off everywhere. And from what I hear, statues are no longer weeping. It's tough keeping the masses in line when you can't get a good miracle going. The Jews are really upset, ever since they found out that we Donutarians are the Self-Selected people. We would have said "Chosen" but they took that brand already. The Methodists don't seem to have noticed and the Wiccans are still in the dark. Agnostics seem to have no opinion one way or the other.

911: What plans do you have for further expansion?

JDG: Well, first we have to get the Atheists on board. Which will be a real challenge since everyone alive is an Atheist.

911: How is that?

JDG: Well, take yourself for example. What is your religion?

911: I'm an Episcopalian

JDG: Ah, I see. Catholicism Lite. Well, do you believe in Mohammed as your savior?

911: Of course not.

JDG: Well then, you're an Atheist with respect to Islam.

911: I see your point.

JDG: Is it showing?

911: I mean, I understand what you're saying. A Buddhist is an Atheist with respect to Christianity.

JDG: Correct. As I was saying, everyone is an Atheist. Which makes bringing a new religion like Donutarianism to the world a real challenge, since you essentially have to convert everyone.

911: That's quite an undertaking.

JDG: Did someone just expire?

911: I mean, that's quite a project.

JDG: Phew, I thought He might have rewound time and buried me alive.

911: Would He really do something like that?

JDG: He has a great sense of humor. Otherwise, why would men have nipples?

911: Well, speaking of time, that's all the time we have this evening. Perhaps we can do this again.

JDG: No problem, we already have.