Notes From Gordon 250402: The Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut, Part V

Aboriginal Sin

Certain religions (name withheld to protect Pope Innocent) preach that each of us alive—which includes, you, dear reader—was born in sin, merely for having been born at all.

They call this "original sin."

And get this... you are doomed to spend eternity in Hell unless you are "saved" (this costs extra).

What a terrific marketing concept. People persuaded of "original sin" will need to be sold some "secret sauce" to wash away their sin and be allowed to enter Heaven (wherever that is) when they die.

You really have to hand it to these religious creationists, by which I mean to say those who create religions. Creativity is not in short supply here. Let's play along...

Don a jaunty cap, a James Dean leather jacket and a new pair of kid leather driving gloves (required religious attire) and imagine that you start a brand new religion called Fordism.

Your sacred scripture (found in the glove compartment in every new model) declares that every person born is damned for all eternity if they don't love and purchase a Ford.

Drive a Ford and accept Fordism as your one true vehicle and you get to live in paradise with other Fordians forever, presumably driving around in an afterlife of happy motoring where breakdowns never occur, you never run out of gas and there is no road rage.

However, love a Chevy and you will roast in an eternal Hell of fire and damnation, presumably stuck in a traffic jam forever, with your car on fire and drivers all around you shooting at each other.

But there is salvation! Stop in any time at a Ford dealership, give yourself over to the Ford (ouch, sorry), accept Fordism as your one true religion and you will be saved from the pits of motoring hell.

Here at The Church of The Hole-y D(o)nut we don't think this original sin thing goes far enough.

We think there was sin before anyone even knew sin existed! 

Sin so deep, so profound and so gosh darn awful that it precedes mere sin. Sin from before the time when there were even people! Forget original sin. That’s for wussies. We’re talkin’ aboriginal sin.

But fear no more! Give yourself over to His Hole-yness with all your heart (other body parts optional) and you’ll be guaranteed smooth passage through the Great Orifice into a place of perfect peace, where perpetually polite and pleasant people party in paradise, playing ping pong and petting puppies.

As a practicing Donutarian your sins are forgiven before you're even a glimmer in your parent's eyes. Your lucky Powerball number will always comes up, and dropped toast will always lands on the floor, buttered side up.

Of course, we can't save the entire human race without you. So what are you waiting for? The second coming?

Go forth, dear ones, to ring doorbells (bicycle and white dress shirt not included) and spread the happy word that original sin is no more. That we are all free at least! Or at least reasonably priced.

Thank you. We return you now to your regularly scheduled guilt.

The Church Is In Peril!

OMG! Please pray harder, everyone… The Hole-y Hot Tub on the roof is leaking and water is dripping downstairs into Doc’s office and threatening his autographed copy of Origin Of the Species.

Doc’s very personal assistant, Ginger, has tried stuffing the cracks with some old bikinis, but now she’s down to the very last one and Doc is encouraging her not to give up.

Won't you help?

Dough-Nate Today!

Electricians, give until it hertz.

Back again tomorrow with more from Doc…

GP