Notes From Gordon 250403: The Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut, Part VI

Global Warming

"It's amazing how many religions these humans can fall for."

The Hole-y D(o)nut was enjoying a drink after hours at the Designer Divinity conference with Glork, reigning god of the unicellular Raptulous race from galaxy #823,066,470,938 in the Local Magellanic Cloud.

His Hole-yness sponsored these "all deities on deck" workshops to give the many billions of gods, demigods, angels and fairies in the universe an opportunity to meet, socialize and discuss the latest research into ways and means of captivating the galaxy's countless life forms into one religious observance or another.

"On Earth, with less than 8 billion sentient bipeds, some of which are gorillas, monkeys and Democrats, there are at least 10,000 distinct and separate religions. But that's only if we count lotteries and Bingo."

Glork had absolutely no idea what was meant by that remark, but he couldn't afford to show it since His Hole-yness was the ultimate source of All That Is Or Ever Will Be, and could be truly fearsome when irritated. And it wasn't always possible to know whether He was serious or just kidding.

"What I mean to say is that we must also include all the crazy pseudo-religions these bipeds cook up like politics, investing and the like.”

Glork relaxed and let out a deep breath as His Hole-yness continued.

"These beings are beyond gullible. All that is required are some stern pronouncements, a few ginned up research studies and endless pounding via their primitive electromagnetic messaging relay systems and you've got yourself a religion, son!

"They actually believe that bovine flatulence and fossil fuel tailpipe emissions will alter their planet so as to turn it into an uninhabitable hot house, even though gaseous emissions from volcanoes send more CO2 into the atmosphere than all the cows that ever lived."

Glork roared at this one, causing the universe to shudder on its axis ever so slightly and send billions of comets crashing into unwitting life forms.

"Ooops!," quipped His Hole-yness, "Let's try to keep keep the cosmic background radiation down to a dull roar, shall we, Glork?"

"I must say, we’ve done a pretty good job of reducing the followers of Yahweh ever since we got the old duffer into the Deity Protection Program. It's pretty hard to believe in a god who never shows up while letting babies, cripples and the elderly die in hurricanes and tsunamis."

"I was just speaking with Jesus. He's still stunned over how quickly those Earthlings turned his gentle, common sense sayings into planet-wide crusades, slaughter and conquests, all in the name of brotherly love and ‘turning the other cheek.’ One can only wonder what cheek they had in mind."

Glork laughed so hard he spit out his drink, sending pentillions of gallons of beer into the galactic center where they would instantly freeze as comets and be drawn into orbits around solar systems that would never know what hit them.

"Easy there, Glork, or you'll blow an O-Ring. Well, we'd better wrap this up and call it an eon. I've got to catch an early wormhole to Earth tomorrow morning. It's almost December 25th and it’s time to play Santa again. It's lots of fun, and the exercise keeps me young.

“Come to think of it, I need to grab a lump of plutonium for Hillary's stocking."

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Back again tomorrow with more from Doc Godley…

GP