Notes From Gordon 250407: The Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut, Part X

Introducing Miss Ginger Divine

One of the key moral precepts of Donutarianism is our insistence upon honoring all of the world's religions.

We do this through a patented process of random religious rotation in which we get to practice a different religion each day of the year.

You can be a Jew on January 1st, a Baptist on January 2nd, a Scientologist on January 3rd, an Atheist on January 4th... you get the idea.

In this way we Donutarians get a feel for the uniquely nutty way in which each religion is practiced. It's really quite exciting!

And who better to manage this annual tilt-a-whirl of religious opportunity than the lithe and pulchritudinous, Ginger Divine, Dr. Godley's personal sect worker.

A former ballroom dance instructor for the Republican party, Ginger has held some of the biggest balls in the nation.

But where to begin? With only 365 days in a year on which to celebrate the world's hundreds of competing, one-and-only-true religions, some type of spiritual selection process must be used.

And here is how we do it. We begin by disqualifying those religions without at least one million adherents. This boils things down to a manageable number of competing belief systems and eliminates those that cannot afford steeples, parking lots and 401k plans.

Each New Years Eve as heathens everywhere party in total disregard for their fate, a panel of former Bingo officials is assembled to observe the selection process so there can be no possibility of fraud.

We all know that there can't possibly have been any ecclesiastical chicanery in the early formative days of the world's major religions and we certainly don't want to start that trend now!

Exactly 365 balls are purchased from Frank & Marty's Party Supply (366 balls in a Leap Year). Each ball is marked with the number of a corresponding religion, then placed together into an empty beer keg.

Emptying the keg is part of the ceremony and assures that everyone is alert and paying close attention!

The keg is now sealed and shaken by two strong men to eliminate all doubt of randomness—a scientific procedure designed to begin each year with a fresh assortment of religions in an all-new, exciting line-up!

The keg full of numbered balls is now mounted in an erect position and all eyes are on Ginger as she bends all the way over and slips her hand in deeply to gently feel all of the balls, one by one, before making her first selection.

As tension mounts and the audience goes nuts, the selection process climaxes with the name of the religion that will celebrated this year on January 1st!

It’s The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster! (last year it was the Cargo Cult).

The selection process is repeated until every ball has been lovingly removed, the days of the year are filled with a full assortment of sequentially competing religions, and the audience can unite in spiritual release as Ginger slips into Doc Godley's study to tell the great man the news and for other purposes.

There is no way the Methodists ever have this much fun, and certainly not the Quakers.

If doing your religion the same way each Sunday is getting boring, perhaps it's time to bare your soul, strip off your prejudices and roll with your fellow Donutarians.

After all, variety is the spice of life!