Notes From Gordon 250409: The Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut, Part XII

Superstitium

Particle physicists and other mere scientists inform us that there are 118 elements, from Hydrogen to Ununoctium. But they missed one.

Lying hidden in the Table of Elements is Superstitium which, being neither a solid, a liquid nor a gas at room temperature is frankly impossible to detect.

No amount of wishing or hoping can detect Superstitium, nor can any amount of praying, even if you screw your face up into a prune and look like you're suffering a hernia attack (… like Pat Robertson?).

Superstitium is the invisible element that causes otherwise perfectly sane individuals to believe perfectly impossible things, like the Red Queen in Alice In Wonderland who claimed that she could imagine three impossible things before breakfast.

Heck, Doc Godley can imagine three impossible things before you can even finish this sentence.

There is an infinite supply of impossible things to imagine, and there are never any wrong answers. Even unicorns are allowed. Pink unicorns? Sure, that's stretching it a bit, but why not?

When you wear Doc’s special glasses you can see Superstitium as a psychological fog hanging over modern civilization, interacting with the human subconscious through the exchange of sub-rational particles called donars.

Donars are even more penetrating than neutrinos. Trillions of donars are passing through your little fingernail right this second. You do believe that, don't you?

See? This Superstitium is some powerful stuff. We'd put it up there right alongside Kryptonite.

In fact, if you get within one light year of a mere microgram of Superstitium you instantly begin to believe almost anything anyone tells you, so long as that person claims sufficient religious authority.

This would naturally exclude homeless people and drunks claiming to be the Son of God (or Satan). Without proper clothing and a steeple to stand under, raving lunatics like these cannot be taken seriously.

High concentrations of Superstitium can be found in highly sanctified places, like in the belfries of churches or especially in confession boxes where donars are rapidly exchanged between confessors and clergy.

Sometimes these exchanges build up such intensity that they can be seen on the horizon, which is where we get Saint Elmo's Fire.

If you should ever find yourself within one light year of Superstitium, we suggest that you cover your head with special religious clothing and pray as if your life depended on it.

Because it does. Your afterlife, that is.

And when you get there (no rush!), please don't forget to write, even if the best you can do is to scrawl cryptic warnings on the wall like in a Stephen King novel.

We'll be watching, and praying for you. So please do try to communicate with us.

But it won't be easy. We're all out of donars.