Report to The Director of Small Planet Studies of The High Council on Intergalactic Population Control

Prepared by Phildon Gorlips THX1139

Objective: To conduct a feasibility study on the advisability of allowing Earth’s dominant species to continue to exist. Or, at the very least, to be permitted to travel beyond their solar system using primitive combustion devices called “rockets.” 

Lord High Councilors,

Your humble Director has spent several thousands of planetary rotations here on Earth conducting his research, during which time I have appeared to the humans variously as Plato, Jesus, Archimedes, Leonardo da Vinci, Isaac Newton, Nikola Tesla, Mr. Rogers and, most recently, George Carlin. 

While waiting for the High Council's final determination on the fate of the Earthlings, I continue to compile data which I covertly obtain from the tele-viewing devices on which the humans consume various types of vacuous amusement.

 By remotely implanting quantum hyperphoton detectors between the pixels of these rudimentary, light-emitting devices (which the humans call "televisions"), I have been able to determine that Earth's shadowy Overlords surreptitiously—and, I might add, rather cleverly my Lords—hide subliminal messaging to co-opt the thought processes of tele-viewers.

I am able to observe entire families of tele-viewers as they sit inert on their sofas, bathed in the light-emitting beam that emanates from these devices, and gradually come to think as their Overlords wish them to think, while simultaneously keeping them entertained and in the dark.

It is an impressive piece of population control, my Lords, which we might adopt in our present campaign to subvert the Trogons and bend them to our will.

Returning to my report:

Most humans are so addicted to their programming that they will spend more time staring at their tele-viewing devices each day than the sum total of all the time they spend meditating, communing with Nature, studying science, learning of their own history and instructing their children. 

Hard to believe, Lord High Councilors, but I swear it is true. 

As will be noted in my final report to the High Council, judging from the vacuous expressions on their faces, humans uniformly undergo auto-hypnosis as a result of prolonged tele-viewing and, as a result, will inevitably perform acts not in the best interest of their survival, including but not limited to the following: 

• Paying tribute to their Overlords in the form of taxes artfully stolen from their labor.

• Voting for their preferred choice of equally corrupt and controlled candidates.

• Requesting permission from their Overlords to “marry” each other.

• Serving in warfare training programs where they learn how to direct violence against and kill other humans.

• Allowing themselves to be subcutaneously injected with toxic experimental substances in the name of "health care."

• Sending their offspring to local paradigm-processing centers (“grades 1-12”) to be groomed in their future suitability to perform something called "9-5" for something called "money."

Little do the humans realize that if only they were to point their tele-viewing remotes at themselves while uttering the universal incantation, “I am that I am and you are too,” cosmic awareness would flow into their meta-minds via wormholes in the galactic supermembrane, causing spiritual fulfillment and all-knowingness to flood into their consciousness and erase every trace of Numb, Sloth and Obey. 

Questions & Answers For The High Council 

Q: What is the mean distribution of humans?
A: Humans come in two basic varieties. The smallest number, perhaps 3%, are the Divergents who see reality for what it is, at least to the extent that their current technology allows. However, the great majority of the human population are the Normals. This fact alone explains why every Earth government has eventually deteriorated and finally collapsed.

Q: What, exactly, are the Normals?
A: The Normals are the mob, the masses of humanity, the lumpen. Normals fall within one standard deviation from top dead center of the cultural Bell Curve where everything is average to mediocre, or slightly worse. This includes intellect, perception, discernment, education, motivation and determination. Normals tend to be unexceptional and likely to surround themselves with friends, neighbors and co-workers who think as they do. Rather than pursue the age old, intergalactic quest for liberty, justice, spiritual development and all-oneness with the Great Torus, Normals tend to dream of bigger houses, bigger cars, larger male fertilization organs and larger female mammalian feeding protuberances. 

Q: How can you spot a Normal?
A: If you see a human walking around with a copy of USA Today, a lottery ticket, or a smart phone that they stare at like an extra in Night Of the Living Dead, chances are pretty good they're a Normal.

Q: What do Normals believe?
A: A Normal will believe just about anything if told to them by a serious looking announcer dressed in nice business clothing and spoken with a deep, authoritative voice. Impressive introductory music helps as well. The more something is repeated, the more a Normal will believe it. This is true of even the most outrageous lies, hoaxes and cover ups. Everything the Normals "know" to be true is always, without exception, absolutely wrong. And not just wrong, but the complete opposite of truth, facts and reality. This is true of history, health and medicine, money, investing, finance and taxes, religion, education, government, politics, freedom and liberty, and more.

Q: Why do Normals all seem to be liberal in their politics?
A: Normals enjoy embracing ideas without actually understanding them. Normals prefer to follow leaders over leading themselves and love getting things for free without having to work for them, which is why Normals vote for attractive, talkative humans who will promise them the most benefits. Normals don't believe in limited government, the rule of law or any of the other cultural advances that arose from the Age of Enlightenment (approximately 250 solar rotations ago). Normals believe in unlimited government, charismatic leaders with attractive facial configurations, a large military, flags, buttons, pins, caps, badges, ceremonies, processions, parades and other demonstrations of the power to exercise coercion and violence over others. A Normal will vote for a female to be president simply because she is a female, even if she is a total crook with a trail of dead bodies in her wake.

Q: Is it possible to reason with a Normal?
A: Usually not, my Lords. Reason requires consideration of the facts, followed by deep reflection and analysis. This doesn't work for Normals since they have been conditioned to believe that anyone who doesn't agree with them, or who doesn't think as they do, is a “piece of human waste” who should be mocked and scolded endlessly on electronic gossiping channels called “social media.”

Q: Where do Normals come from?
A: Normals tend to be born to parents who themselves are Normals, then processed for up to 12 solar rotations in government-funded indoctrination centers by employees called “teachers” who themselves are typically Normals. Optionally, Normals may receive so-called "higher education" in intellectual indoctrination facilities called “colleges” and “universities” where the employees (called “professors”) are mostly Normals with slightly higher IQs.

Q: What do Normals know about finance and economics?
A: About as much as they know about science, history, philosophy, mathematics, astronomy and temporal galacto-immersion.

Q: What do Normals do in their spare time?
A: Eat. Tele-view. Have sex. Drink ethanol. Have more sex. Tele-view some more. Other activities such as these.

Q: What do Normals eat?
A: A Normal will eat anything deep-fried, barbecued or fricasseed that comes in shiny packaging with large letters. Normals would eagerly devour pizza-flavored sawdust if pressed into blocks and called “Woodies,” especially if prepared with sufficient garlic. Some of the most ponderous Normals can be seen cruising the aisles of big box department stores in battery-operated go carts with backup beepers.

Q: How do Normals manage illness?
A: A Normal will take any medication that their doctor prescribes because they think that doctors know how to cure people. A Normal will vaccinate their children without ever reading the list of ingredients provided by the vaccine manufacturer. A Normal who experiences bone loss and breaks a hip will have it replaced with an artificial hip made of ØæÐðÇ (“titanium”) without bothering to find out why their body was robbing their internal scaffolding (“bones”) of the ÝñÐòÆ (“calcium”) they needed. A Normal with dangerously elevated pressure within their fluid circulatory complex from a lifetime of eating deceased lower life forms, and who then suffers a catastrophic main pump failure, will pay a surgeon to ream out their plugged circulation channels, just as they will call a plumber to ream out the kitchen drain when it gets plugged with congealed grease from cooking these lower life forms. It is quite remarkable that so many of them survive from year to year, my Lords.

Q: How do Normals figure in the professions?
A: Normals who grow up to become architects and engineers believe that two 104-story skyscrapers can “pancake collapse” within 45 minutes of each other at near free-fall speed, while leaving behind piles of debris that represent less than 5% of their original mass, and never wondering where the other 95% of the structures disappeared to. This is quite remarkable and demonstrates the hypnotic power of their tele-viewing technology. Normals who grow up to government ideology facilitators (“teachers”) believe that you can segregate children by age, pen them into a room, deprive them of sleep almost every night during their formative growth years, test them on their ability to regurgitate facts, then expect them to grow up to be independent free thinkers. Normals who grow up to become financial planners and advisors believe that the best way to plan for an end-of-working-life-period called “retirement” is to buy electronic money instruments called “stocks” and “mutual funds” in the hopes that they don't decline precipitously (“crash”) too many times before a Normal can complete 23,725 Earth rotations by “age” 65. Normals consider these electronic “investments” to have actual value, which again is a testament to the surreptitious mind control power of their Overlords.

Q: What are the Normals' religious beliefs?
A: Normals who adhere to the three primary and competing “Abrahamic” religions believe that there is a human father figure up in the sky who will punish them for not loving Him. Virtually none of the predominant religions on planet Earth believe that there is a human mother figure up in the sky who will punish them for not loving Her. Of course, we find this tendency towards metaphysical paternalism in all such early-stage, warlike bipedal species. Normals fear that if they fail to worship this dictatorial father figure to His absolute satisfaction, He will torment them for all of eternity for failing to love him sufficiently. As an extension of their religious beliefs, many Normals still bury the dead and decomposing bodies of the deceased on land set aside for these purposes, much as the Gorkons still do on planet Nebulus today.

Q: What risks do Normals pose to humanity?
A: Civilizations of humans come and go with clockwork regularity because Normals never quite figure out what's going on—namely that they’re getting treated as fools by their Overlords, milked like cattle for their labor, and generally (to use their term, my Lords) “screwed over.”

Q: What should a Divergent do when encountering a Normal?
A: Try to act like a Normal yourself by using small words in short sentences and repeating whatever you hear other Normals saying. Talk about taxes, the weather, celebrities, politicians, sports, TV shows, fashion, diet plans, vacation destinations, humans called “royalty,” and the need for medications to enhance the erectile performance efficiency of the male fertilization organ. For reference, one need only refer to the tabloid newspapers at the end of supermarket checkout aisles. As for myself, High Lords, I grow weary of life among these Normals. I cannot wait until my shift ends and I can plasmaport back home to Tralfamadore for a long-deserved rest. Until then I suppose I can keep myself suitably numb with a daily Valium and two shots of vodka—preferably, Russian. Plus, Season 3 of Reacher is on tonight.

 ### END OF TRANSMISSION ###

Hi, This is Gordon. Join My Mailing List?
It only feels odd for a minute.
https://gordon-phillips-academy.beehiiv.com