The RISE Reader: Time For My Standard Sensitive Holiday Greeting

Dear Fun, Festive Friend,

At this most joyous time of the year, when flickering candles softly glow behind frosted window panes and a warm feeling for most of humanity fills our hearts.

• When sappy holiday music plays incessantly in every store and elevator.

• When anxious investors dive for year-end tax write-offs.

• When NORAD scrambles to intercept an unidentified sleigh (where were you guys on 9-11?).

It's time once again to extend my deepest and most heartfelt seasonal wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, culturally tolerant, financially stimulating, nutritionally supportive, gender neutral, medically uncomplicated, politically correct and personally fulfilling winter solstice holiday, as practiced within the guidelines of the religious persuasion of your choice, yet with respect for the curious religious persuasions of others, and without regard for the race, creed, age, height, gender(s), tax bracket or sexual preference(s) of the wishee.

To you I say—may the corpulent, pagan elf in the red, fur-trimmed tutu bring you and yours all the material excesses of a strong, retail-driven fourth quarter.

Warmly,

Gordon

P.S. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one solar rotation, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and may not be enforceable in all jurisdictions. Your experience may vary. Batteries not included.